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  • Writer's pictureAnniina

Control is a big scam

Controlling is a way to play with emotions and hit a person's vulnerable point. When another person controls you, they play with your emotions to benefit themselves. On the other hand, if you control yourself, you play the game of limitation, spinning a story in your head where you cannot step outside your comfort zone.

Controlling can happen, for example, through fear

We humans are learners

Controlling is learned behavior. If you have lived in an environment in your childhood where, for example, one of your parents controlled what you or your siblings did and said, or the control was directed at your other parent, then it is possible that you either learned to be controlled or learned to control yourself and others. Of course, the lesson may have gone both ways, and depending on the situation, control will show itself at any time. Controlling homework may have also been formed in the groups of friends of youth. If you have felt that you have not been accepted into the group and it has created feelings of insecurity for you, it has been easy for someone else to take control of the situation.

From one generation to another

Many times different ways of acting are also passed down from one generation to another, so it is good to become aware of which emotions were present in your childhood and guided the actions of your family and relatives. It is possible to break such patterns of action inherited through the family, which now limit your life or create, for example, feelings of guilt. There is also no need to transfer negative emotional cycles to your own children.

Controlling in relationships

When life goes on and you start a relationship, for example, you may notice that your partner tries to control what you do. In childhood, different beliefs are easily formed, and if you have witnessed, for example, control between your parents, then subconsciously your perception of a relationship may be that control is part of it. In that case, you might be looking for a relationship where that thing can come true. The need for control may also develop if things happen in childhood without a sense of security. Then an overemphasized control over oneself and others can arise, in order to keep different situations under control.

The same pattern can be repeated in other relationships. A friendship is formed where one is controlling and the other is easily controlled. What a match made in Heaven ;) Both needs are met. But when someone's life and actions are not someone else's responsibility. Of course, the child is responsible up to a certain point, but otherwise.. well, I think you got the Point.

My own experiences

In my own life, I have not personally experienced parental control in my childhood. I don't remember that at all. Maybe during the teenage years, the times when you come home may have caused such a feeling that you are now being restricted. In reality, it wasn't about creating security. But I don't really understand such a thing at that point, when it would be so nice to be somewhere late at night. Some things you only understand when you are a parent yourself. Sure, I have paid attention to not transferring such things to my own child's belief system that I myself have had the need to control. And this has also awakened me to let go of many things that I have felt necessary to control. Over-caring is also a form of control.

I have been introduced to the world of control in a couple in my shorter couple/dating relationship or even when something was still in the dating stage. It's been a long time since these, but I remember the feeling when the other, for example, wanted to manage it so that I don't eat too much or always control the visions in such a way that I get as little as possible. Controlling can also happen in such a way that the other says "I won't do this if you don't do this first". When I have experienced control from another person, I myself have been somehow "weak" in handling my emotions. It is easy to attack it and take advantage of the situation.

Controlling myself and others

There has also been a lot of self-control at different stages of my life. This has largely focused on the fact that everything needs to be done correctly and according to the rules. Of course, there is a lot of good in that, but when it is overemphasized, such an activity is very limiting. For example, you need to figure something out in order to move forward, so that you don't miss anything or unknowingly break the rules. I have tried to control other people in such a way that if I think the other person has not acted according to certain rules (which I follow myself), then I have felt the need to intervene. It is controlling another. He has the freedom to follow the rules or not. It is not my path or my job to teach compliance. Of course, you can mention if you have information and notice that the other person doesn't, but you can leave it at that, giving the other person the freedom to decide how they want to act after receiving the information.

Decision making and control

That's what reminded me of controlling decision-making situations. If you need to make a decision about your own life, don't let someone else control your decision making. You may want to make a bigger change in your life, such as quitting your day job and starting as an entrepreneur, or you want to implement a project that is meaningful to you, or whatever it may be. If the other person gets to control in such situations in such a way that you don't implement the things you want, you give your own power outside of yourself. That's never a good idea. And then the person who wants to control may use, for example, your feeling of fear or insecurity to get you to give up the whole idea.

When society or decision-makers control

It doesn't really matter which equation it is. The mood of control between two people or, for example, the systems of authority, decision-makers, society or a certain group. The same laws apply. If you want a person to act in a certain way and to control, for example, creating a feeling of fear is a convenient way to influence. And if it doesn't work, blame is laid. Then those who have some challenging situation going on, the feeling of fear in life is strong anyway, a tendency to blame or some other uncertainty in the air, then the message gets through quite easily. However, if you learn to deal with fear and the feeling of guilt and understand the working mechanisms of those feelings and the connection to your own reaction, then the control from the outside will not go through.

Why is control a big scam?

Because it makes people believe that there are no other options. Controlling creates the illusion that there are only certain frames within which you can act. The illusion that the other has more power. Now you might think that others have more power. Yes, if you look at it from a certain perspective. However, in the universe, no one is more important than the other. We are meant to live life to the fullest and create great things here. The universe is not in control. Instead, it creates opportunities to learn and is far from ego-tuned controls.

How can you get out of control?

Here are some tips. It is worth writing the answers on paper, because the subconscious works better that way.

  1. To become aware, ask yourself the following questions:

    1. Have I experienced or seen control in my childhood?

    2. Was the control aimed at me or at someone else?

    3. By whom did the control take place?

    4. Does this kind of controlling behavior pattern appear in my family in general?

    5. Am I easily controlled or do I control myself or others? How does it show up? And what emotion creates the need for control?

    6. Do I currently have relationships where controlling takes place? How does it manifest itself?

  2. If you got answers in point 1. that control limits your life, think about why it would be necessary to stick to them. How does controlling one way or the other serve you?

  3. Think about what giving up control would mean. What things and how to deal with emotions should you learn so that there is no longer a "need" for control

  4. Think about how you could implement the learning. By reading, writing, getting guidance or some coaching.

  5. Are you ready to let go of control?

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